Monday, February 4, 2013

Giveaway! Love & Curses by L.J. Garland & Debbie Gould

Are ya feelin' lucky?
LAURA: Hey, Deb. I'm feeling crazy.

DEBBIE: Hey, me too! Why don't we do something to celebrate our newest Cursed Ink series?

LAURA: Cool idea! And why don't we give away a free copy of Love & Curses to a random commenter?

DEBBIE: One copy? Pft! Let's give away TWO copies to TWO random commenters!!

LAURA: Okay, you wild woman. But we need to ask some wild question and have them come up with a creative answer....

DEBBIE: Let's do it!

LAURA: Deal! (to readers) Okay, guys....heeeere's your question! Best of luck!

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Curse of the Primate

On a trip to the Congo to take detailed notes on the mating habits of the dung beetle to garner a plum research grant, you set up camp near a local watering hole so you can observe the mating habits of the water buffalo. Quite noisy that. After clogging your ears with plugs, you try to sleep, but find the ruckus is intolerable. So, you grab a Twinkie (one of the last on planet Earth), wolf it down, and trek off into the jungle. One hundred yards in, you realize in your frenzy to escape the hullabaloo, you forgot to bring your rifle. No matter…you aren’t going back. No way. No how.

The moonlight dapples through the canopy, leaving intermittent spotlights of the jungle floor. You pause near a tree and rip open the cellophane and take out your Twinkie (the treat, not your…oh, never mind.) Before you can take even the first bite, some hits you hard on the head and you tumble to your knees. A shadowy figure skitters by, and a moment later, you stare at your hand—sans Twinkie—and promptly pass out.

An indeterminable time later, you open your eyes to find a baby ape sitting next to you. As you push yourself upright, you notice a suspicious white cream on his apish lips. Twinkie cream! That baby ape ate my Twinkie! The sweet creature pats you on the head, makes a cute noise, and crawls into your arms. Aww…it’s love at first hug.

“Where’s your mama?” you ask.

Dark eyes stare up at you as thought trying to comprehend your strange language.

“Did your mama abandon you?”

Surprisingly, the baby nods.

Taking this as a sign, you pack up camp (research grant be damned…this baby ape needs you!), and squirrel your new babe back home. (And by squirrel, you obviously kidnapped the critter and broke several intercontinental, animal rights laws, and port charges in order to get him into your tiny one-bedroom apartment without anyone seeing). When you arrive, you call the local grocery store and order fifty hands of bananas and whatever treats that are close to Twinkies.

You get away with all this for a year and become so attached to your friend that you name him. He’s family. You’ll do anything to protect him.

Then, your best bud’s nosy ex comes sniffing around…and bam, the jig is up…or the ape is out of the bag…or whatever other terms you care to put this in. Anyway, before you can spit a lick—or is that lickety-split?—your ape is gone. Shipped off to some zoo, where you know they won’t give him the tasty treats you spoil him with. Your heart is broken.

Unknown to your best bud’s nosy ex, you also dabble in the mystic arts. You wait in your car outside the local strip joint until you spot her stumbling out into the dark alley, drunk as all get out. You come up behind her.

“Hey, Brad’s ex!”

She whirls around. “Hey, what?”

“You took my ape!”

Her bloodshot eyes widen. “Naw, naw. Now, ya got that all wrong. I didn’t go touchin’ nobody's ape. I’m not that kinda girl. I like guys...and sometimes girls if they smell like Slim Jims.”

Yeah, she’s toast, but that doesn’t deter you from your mission. You jab a finger in her direction. “Now, you’re gonna pay!”

Now you have to curse Brad’s nosey ex for shipping off the best ape you ever shared a one-bedroom apartment with. Make sure you use his name in the curse. And be sure to tell our readers how it all turned out!

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